The Insufficiency of 'No'

Feelin' pretty good about all the recent national discussion about sexual assault on college campuses. Good because it's happening. As ever, some of the things said will be constructive. Some won't.

I want to take issue with a common sentiment:  that boys and young men should be operating on a "no means no" policy, should be taught that this is the appropriate method of determining whether consent is present.

I say nope. Nope to "no means no." It's not enough--it's a starting point. A mind-numbingly obvious starting point which, even if one obeys, does not bring our culture out of its predatory funk.

When a person says no, whatever activity he or she is declining should stop immediately. That's a given. How long will it take for everyone to understand that? Dear jeebus, I hope not much longer. But there's more to it. Women should not have to be gatekeepers. The absence of no is not an invitation. On the street, at a bar, in the bed--just because you're not hearing no, does not mean that someone wants to have sex with you. Being female is not yes; being "beautiful" is not yes (women are not more beautiful than men, only more objectified); mini-skirts are not yes; smiling is not yes; sparkly eye shadow is not yes. I can't count the number of times a man has looked at me and assumed yes, for any of those reasons. That was harassment; I've been fortunate enough not to have been assaulted so far. But I've also had some less-than-awesome experiences which I would not call assault, but which made me feel distinctly uncomfortable, regretful, and yeah, violated. What happened? I didn't say no. And that's it--that is the only reason I had those experiences. I need to work on clearly voicing my desires, sure, but sex should only happen when the desire of all partners is evident and expressed. Stop pushing. Stop testing boundaries, toeing the line. Maybe even, I dunno, look beyond a woman's sexual potential and be interested in her personhood? If you're not ready for that, fine. My message to those who suspect they may dislike women (don't worry, it's happened to many of us--we're relentlessly pushed in that direction): if you don't have basic human respect for all women, there must be at least one or two for whom you do? Girlfriend, mother, sister? Act as if she's with you, always. No pedestal, no chivalry, just human beings being human to each other. Please. Until it becomes your nature.

Women do not have this problem with respect. I am so sick and tired. I can see you, yeah you, staring at my ass, her breasts, hear you say what you'd hit and who you'd bang. Stop it. This is real life, those are people. You are taking women's comfort and desire completely out of the equation, and that is disgusting. If it's not you, it's your friend. For the love of women, tell him it's not funny. So you can be sure this isn't one-sided, here's what I need to work on:

--Stop engaging in competitions of masculinity with the men in my life, especially with jokes like "I'm the man in this relationship." That's not okay. I'm trying to say I love it when we don't conform to gender stereotypes at all...so I should say that.
--Stop buying into a sense of competition with other women. Just, no. Ugh.
--Learn to put my other qualities ahead of my personal appearance without fear of being disregarded in a meaningful way. This one's a toughie.
--Be more open about what is offensive and why in culture, entertainment, everyday life. Sometimes people really don't see something until it's pointed out. Doesn't mean they won't welcome a different perspective.

We are all the problem, we are good people at our core, and this is not that difficult. We can fix this. And now let us meditate on the goddamn sexiest word:

"Yes."